Five years ago, I wasn't in a good place. I'll spare you the horrible details of what was going on at the time. Chances are, if you're reading this, you already know. Suffice to say, I'm still dealing with all the bullshit. But here's a list of all the things that have already gone right for me this year, and things that continue to go right for me. We'll start from the general to the more specific (and important), and I'll attempt to explain why each one is a good thing, in case it isn't obvious.
- I'm alive. That's (arguably) better than the alternative.
- I still have a job. I see so many people out there who don't, who can't make ends meet, who can't even get a foot in the door. I've got twenty years with the same university. I realize that's around half of my life working for the same entity, but that same entity has allowed me to put a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on my table. I have health insurance because of that university, and I can provide for my family because of it.
- Actually, I have multiple jobs. I work for two universities (one as staff, the other as faculty). I also am a martial arts instructor (5th dan black belt), and I'm a writer.
- My daughters love me. Self explanatory.
- I have thirteen books published. Thirteen. How many people out there never get one published? Lots. Let alone thirteen.
- My fur-babies. Yeah, I know, but still. I have a pug and three cats. I can't even express to you how much better they make me feel.
- My friends. I used to only need the fingers of one hand to count the number of real friends I had, and I was fine with that. Now I need a few more hands, and I consider myself really fortunate that so many people out there love me.
- My family. Not just my little nuclear family, but my extended family. There are people that I consider to be more than friends, people who became part of my family through marriage, etc. I count myself lucky to have all of them.
There's one other thing that I have to list, but I didn't want to relegate it to a bullet point. I am the luckiest man alive on many points, but none so much as this: Katie. Two years ago, I walked into karate class and there was this girl there. She wore a pink uniform (a thing unheard of for anyone but Judo Gene LaBell), had pink hair, pink sneakers, a pink gym bag, and a pink water bottle. I started calling her Pinkie Pie because I do irritating things like that. Then a curious thing happened. I fell for her. Hard. I thought there was no way a girl her age (she's 18 years younger than me) would be interested in a guy my age, but she was such a wonderful person that I knew I still wanted her in my life. So I was content to be friends with her.
Then another curious thing happened.
She told me she didn't want to be just friends. A year after our first date, I asked her to marry me, and she said yes.
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| At our fairy-tale wedding. |
So you see, my life isn't so bad. My life has gotten better, in fact. Depression be damned. I fight it every day, and sometimes, all I have to do is look over and see her standing next to me to know that my life can and will get better. Yeah, I know, I'm a sap, but I don't care.
The bottom line is this: For everything that's happened, for all the pain and misery, for all the sad times, I'm in a good place. Family, friends, pets, motorcycles, and writing have helped me to climb out of the hole I've been in for years, and I'm starting to feel happy again.
To anyone out there suffering from depression: It can get better. It really can. Get help if you can, but hold on because you must. It gets better. Life gets better. The world gets better. And mine is a little less dim now.
Until next time...
SAJ
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