Depression - The other side of COVID-19

Hi. Pretty sure that if you're reading this, you know that I suffer from severe clinical depression. You probably also know that I suffer from PTSD due to one particularly bad year (not going to rehash the details, just trust me on this one). But, after a lifetime of depression and many years of PTSD, I'm starting to get better. I'm happy to be alive again. I don't have as many triggers and I don't often fall into the frozen food aisle at my local grocery sobbing.

Then came 2020. COVID-19 reared up, and something familiar happened to me. It was like the old high-school bully showed up on my doorstep offering to buy me a beer and reminisce about the "good old days" when he constantly beat me to a pulp and gave me wedgies. And the thing is, it was comfortable. I got it. I understood this feeling of isolation. I get the feeling of hopelessness that everyone now seems to be feeling. I used to feel that all the time.

That feeling of "this will all be over soon," followed by the interminable waiting.

That feeling of "I can last through this," followed by nagging fear that this time, it will beat me.

That feeling of "oh my Gods, what am I going to do if something happens to the people I love?"

Yeah. I get it. I feel it. I'm just like you. And now, you're just like me.

You want to reach out and be with friends, but you can't. If you do, you could literally kill them. You want to go to a restaurant but you can't because being out in public scares the shit out of you now because you don't know who is or who isn't carrying the dreaded coronavirus. You'd give your right arm for just the ability to go to the freaking grocery and get the comfort food or, Gods forbid, just the necessities only to find out that someone else got them all.

Someone else.

Not you.

And so you sit in your home and try so hard to keep your chin up. All the while, the specter of death is looming somewhere nearby. And I'm not being hyperbolic here. The last time I checked, a quarter million Americans were infected, and more than five thousand had died. Sure, ten thousand recovered, but that doesn't mean those five thousand people should count less. You sit. You hope for good news. You hope for no news because the news that's coming is bad. All bad. And every time you open the news, there are more people dying, more desperation in their voices, more doctors who are fighting for all they're worth. And in the end, it just beats you down.

Beats.

You.

Down.

Gods why...why...why...why..?

That's depression. That feeling of grief for things you planned and no longer get to do. For things you may never get to do. That feeling of being beaten down by the constant negativity of the news. That feeling that maybe it will never be okay again. That feeling that someone has to do something, anything, but nobody knows what. And all you can do is sit and wait while history happens around you, and you hope death doesn't notice you watching.

So why am I writing this? I'm not gloating, I promise you. I'm writing this because in this case, I'm the veteran. I've been here. I understand the mindset, and I've developed some hard coping skills that have literally kept me alive for years. I thought I might offer some to you.

• Keep to a schedule - Lots of us are working from home now, and after the novelty of attending meetings without pants over ZOOM and enjoying our dogs all day wears off, you realize that you're really kind of under house arrest. You start to lose interest in the things you do every day because, hey, who gives a shit, right? Not like anyone can see you or gives a damn whether or not you shower anyway, right? WRONG. You should care. Stick to the same schedule you do when you're working onsite. Why? Because you, as a human being, crave structure. Get up at your normal time, shower, put on clothes (okay, sweats, shorts, or something you wouldn't normally wear to the office), and eat breakfast. And make sure you put on CLEAN clothes every day. You don't want the neighbors to call the police thinking you've died over there because you smell so bad. Set a definite start time, break time, and end time for work and stick to it. Keep that structure in your life. It makes the world seem less chaotic. 
• Exercise - Look, I get it. Exercise is a pain in the ass without a gym, and most of the time it sucks with a gym too. But you need to get moving. You need to put yourself in a state of survival. Even on lockdown, you can go out for a walk so long as you're not being stupid about it. Keep to social distancing, yes, and don't go anywhere too far away from your house. Or, if you truly can't leave the house, do yourself a favor and stretch every day. 
• Get some sun - Whether you can go outside or not, you've got windows. Use them. Vitamin D (from the sun) is important to your wellbeing, both physically and mentally. Take some time out of every day to just sit in a sunbeam and soak up the warmth. 
• Mental breaks - Yes, you're "at work" when you work from home. But you need to take some "you" time. Read a book for crying out loud. Take some time to engage the brain because, believe me, after a week in the same room of your house, nothing engages the brain anymore. You've passed that chair 8,000 times, the same plant 20,000 times, and the couch so often that it doesn't even register anymore. Your brain will just stop thinking about things and start omitting them. So give it something to do. Read. Do a puzzle. Hell, your cellphone has every kind of brain game known to mankind available. So use them. 
• Take social media breaks - Facebook is a cesspool of negativity and vapid comments. And it's fun for that very reason. However, you can only take so much before it starts beating you down. So give yourself a time by which you'll stop looking at it every day. Same for Twitter, and every other social media site out there.
• Stay in touch - We live in an incredible age. Twenty years ago, this kind of thing would've destroyed everyone. But now, we have Zoom, Google Hangouts, Discord, Line, and a thousand other programs designed to keep you in touch with your loved ones. So reach out to them. Look, you may think "they've got their own problems... They don't need my whiny ass taking up their time." But the thing is, they're likely saying the same thing. DO IT. Send them a text saying "hey, let's Zoom. I miss your face." Seeing them for even a few minutes will keep you from feeling so isolated, and I promise you'll feel better for it.
• Stay away from online shopping - Binge shopping will wipe out your bank account and fill your house with crap you don't need. It also welcomes more germs in the form of delivery people who are risking their lives for you to get the crap you don't need. 
• Forgive yourself - There's a bunch of people going around saying you have to be productive during this time, and it's fine if you want to be. But you don't have to be. Don't feel like you're letting anyone down if you don't get that great American novel written, or if you don't learn how to play "Toss a Coin to Your Witcher" on six different instruments. For everything that you do, you're going to have down days. Forgive yourself for them. Yes, I had a down day. Now let me get back to doing what matters, and that's surviving this mess. 

And if you do have to go out for groceries, keep in mind that everyone out there is in the same boat, so act with kindness. Most groceries stock early, so yeah, stand in line if it means you get your eggs. But remember that everyone is just as scared as you are. Everyone is hurting just as much as you. And remember, a little kindness goes a long way. 

And that's really the hardest thing, to not feel like you're letting someone down. This isn't a competition, and no one is going to jump up after this is over and say "Okay, what did YOU accomplish?" like some demented version of American Idol. No. This is about how you get through this with your sanity and personality intact. Me, I'm a writer. I'm taking this opportunity to work on that novel. But I'm going to miss a few days. I'm going to not feel like working on it sometimes. And that's OKAY. That's fine too. This isn't a competition. This isn't writing for your life. This is figuring out how to outlast the turmoil we're in. This is a crucible. 

Please wash your hands. Please stay safe. Please adhere to social distancing guidelines. Please be smart and be kind. It's easy to lose hope. It's easy to let this beat you down. It's easy to give up. 

Don't. 

Don't lose hope. Don't let it beat you down. Don't give up. 

If you have any other tips, please share them in the comments. 

Love to all of you. Please be safe. 

-=SAJ=-

Starting the New Chapter

If you follow me on social media, you know that big changes are a-coming. There are a lot of reasons behind these changes, and I'm still feeling like maybe I've lost what's left of my mind for doing it, but the die is cast and there's no stopping it now. For those that don't and are reading this blog for some other reason, here's what's going on:  I've applied for Grad School.

Holy shit! Grad School?!?! I graduated from college in 2002, from high school in 1989 (yes, I'm old), so what the hell would I want to go and do something like that for?  I mean, my student loans are paid off, I've got a full-time job with benefits, and I've been in the same position for (more or less) more than twenty years!  College is for the young! The course work will destroy me! Why would I incur more student debt? What the hell am I thinking?

Your expression right about now.

There are lots of reasons why I'm doing this. About a thousand piddly little reasons, and all of them branch off of a few bigger reasons. Believe me, I've thought about this for a long time, and I've had lots of sleepless nights and anxiety dreams over my decision. I've talked to my wife and my kid, talked to other people I respect, and decided to go ahead and give this a shot. Here's why.

1. My daughter is almost out of school. My oldest graduated in 2009 and my youngest is about to graduate (2018). She's about to go off to college herself, and it occurred to me that, once she's out of high school, she won't really need me anymore. I don't mean she won't need me-need me, but living four blocks away from her high school just doesn't matter anymore.  Wherever she goes to college, she'll be living in the dorms as a freshman, and she'll be spending a lot more time not in my house. That's fine with me because I want her to get out and find her way. Life is about following your passions, and I want her to find what hers are. Of course, she'll be coming home for holidays and such, but I no longer have to be as concerned with making dinner or doing laundry or making sure she does her homework. In fact, once she's in college, if she hasn't already developed good study habits, it's a little late for me to be policing her. So with all the extra time, I have choices.  I could either binge-watch every show on Netflix, or I can continue to write.  Spoiler alert:  I'm writing.  And if I'm writing, I may as well get college credit for it. 
2. Life is about following your passions. There are few philosophies that I espouse to pretty much everyone, mainly because I feel like most people don't want to hear me babble. But the biggest one is that life is worthless if you don't follow your passions. Hell, some people go through life without ever finding out what those passions are. I've got quite a few, but one of the biggest ones is writing. I'm constantly trying to improve my work in my never-ending quest for the NYT Bestseller List. And follow my passions I shall. 
3. I'm doing this for me. Without sounding too much like a self-righteous ass, I've spent the majority of my life in service of others. I've been a father for more than half my life, and every decision I've made since the day the first child called me Daddy was to try to build a better life for that child. Would I have liked to go backpacking through Europe?  Sure. But do I regret my decision to have children?  Absolutely not. My life has been gladly about what was best for others. When my first wife got sick, I cared for her. Even now, whenever shopping time comes around, it's really hard to get me to do things for myself because I would rather buy things for my family instead of myself. How many of us open our eyes every morning and think "the only reason I'm going to work is because I'm paying the mortgage for my family?"  At least me. I'm sure of it. 
4. If you stop learning, you get old. It's an old cliche, but you really are only as old as you think you are. Physicality aside (oh my aching joints...), your mind stays sharp through constantly learning. If you stop learning, you stagnate and you don't grow. You know what else stagnates? Ponds.  Ever smelled a stagnant pond?  It stinks to high heaven. Mosquitoes nest there. They're disgusting places.  Mosquitoes will not lay their eggs in my soul. My mind will not stink. Only the truly arrogant believe they can't continue to improve, no matter their level of success. I'm going to keep learning and keep pushing myself until the day I die.  That's just how I am. Anyone who knows me knows this to be true. I don't sit back on my laurels. 
5. I want a better job.  Look, I know.  I'm 45. I'm ten years away from retiring from Texas State University.  But that's ten years too long.  I've never been happier than when I walked into the classroom at Seton Hill University or Wayneburg University and was a teacher. I love to teach. I love to watch the imaginative spark flash behinds the eyes of students when I talk creative writing with them. So now I have this opportunity to give myself better credentials so I can become what I've wanted to be for more than twenty years:  A tenure-track professor. Do I need the degree to become a writer?  Obviously not... I've already had 13 books published and my agent has more manuscripts out for consideration. But an MFA (a terminal degree) will allow me to put my butt on the tenure track, and that's where I want to be. I've been a tech for a long time, and I've recently come to the conclusion that it's not for me anymore. Maybe it's because my department has demonstrated that it doesn't care about its employees. Maybe I'm sick of dealing with tech requests from people who don't understand it. Or maybe I'm evolving. Maybe I want to be treated like I know what I'm doing, and that's what I get when I'm a teacher. Seton Hill, Waynesburg, you two have been my home, and you both made me feel loved and appreciated. I've tasted the job I want. And now I'm going to work to get that job and keep it. 

So what's the plan? So far, as far as I've gotten is applied, filled out my FAFSA, and gotten all my application materials sent in (thanks for the rec letters to Dr. Albert Wendland, Dr. Nicole Peeler, and Nicole Hopeman!  Love you guys!). And where did I apply? EMERSON. You read that right. It's a very prestigious university, and one I'll be proud to have on my resume. If I'm accepted, I'll be working my butt off for two years, all the while biding my time at the day job, then I'll send my curriculum vitae (which is academic-speak for "resumé") to every university in the USA. 

Pictured:  Resumé storm.

Where would I like to be working as a professor?  Easy.  Ideally, I'd love to be working at dear old Seton Hill University. I'll also be applying at Pitt, colleges in Colorado, Virginia, and anywhere else I can throw it to. Why?  Because I can. And because it's what I want to do. 

So why am I posting this and why do you care?  Short answer: You might not care. But you might. See, here I am, at 45 years old, remarried, rebooting my education, and stretching myself to suit other ambitions. That's right. Ambitions. I have those. Still. And it's not too late for me. Hell there was a fellow at the last residency at which I taught who was retired and still pursuing his MFA. That man inspired me. It is never too late to learn, unless you decide it's too late. And when that happens, you're counting down to your grave. I will continue to learn and continue to push myself. I'm tired of being depressed and wondering "what if." I'm tired of watching other people live the life I want. I'm tired of being tired. So it's time to get off the sidelines, quit whining, and get back in the game. I'm taping up my fists, molding my mouthpiece, and I'm ready to fight. 

Until next time. 

SAJ

In a Good Place

I know that, from the last blog, it seems like I'm about a pug's whisker away from ending it all. But I'm not. Really, and from the bottom of my heart, I'm in a good place. For the first time since 2011, I'm in a good place. So that's the reason for this entry. A long time ago, I had to remind myself of how fortunate I was, and I've been doing it every day to make it through the working hours. And it isn't always easy. I mean, really, sometimes I have to take a step back and remind myself why I don't just wrap my car around a telephone pole. But a long time ago, I had an epiphany, and my life was forever changed.

Five years ago, I wasn't in a good place. I'll spare you the horrible details of what was going on at the time. Chances are, if you're reading this, you already know. Suffice to say, I'm still dealing with all the bullshit. But here's a list of all the things that have already gone right for me this year, and things that continue to go right for me. We'll start from the general to the more specific (and important), and I'll attempt to explain why each one is a good thing, in case it isn't obvious.

• I'm alive. That's (arguably) better than the alternative.
• I still have a job. I see so many people out there who don't, who can't make ends meet, who can't even get a foot in the door. I've got twenty years with the same university.  I realize that's around half of my life working for the same entity, but that same entity has allowed me to put a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on my table.  I have health insurance because of that university, and I can provide for my family because of it. 
• Actually, I have multiple jobs. I work for two universities (one as staff, the other as faculty).  I also am a martial arts instructor (5th dan black belt), and I'm a writer. 
• My daughters love me. Self explanatory.
• I have thirteen books published. Thirteen. How many people out there never get one published?  Lots. Let alone thirteen. 
• My fur-babies. Yeah, I know, but still.  I have a pug and three cats. I can't even express to you how much better they make me feel. 
• My friends. I used to only need the fingers of one hand to count the number of real friends I had, and I was fine with that. Now I need a few more hands, and I consider myself really fortunate that so many people out there love me. 
• My family. Not just my little nuclear family, but my extended family. There are people that I consider to be more than friends, people who became part of my family through marriage, etc. I count myself lucky to have all of them. 

There's one other thing that I have to list, but I didn't want to relegate it to a bullet point. I am the luckiest man alive on many points, but none so much as this: Katie. Two years ago, I walked into karate class and there was this girl there.  She wore a pink uniform (a thing unheard of for anyone but Judo Gene LaBell), had pink hair, pink sneakers, a pink gym bag, and a pink water bottle. I started calling her Pinkie Pie because I do irritating things like that. Then a curious thing happened. I fell for her.  Hard. I thought there was no way a girl her age (she's 18 years younger than me) would be interested in a guy my age, but she was such a wonderful person that I knew I still wanted her in my life. So I was content to be friends with her. 

Then another curious thing happened.

She told me she didn't want to be just friends. A year after our first date, I asked her to marry me, and she said yes. 

At our fairy-tale wedding.

So you see, my life isn't so bad. My life has gotten better, in fact. Depression be damned.  I fight it every day, and sometimes, all I have to do is look over and see her standing next to me to know that my life can and will get better.  Yeah, I know, I'm a sap, but I don't care. 

The bottom line is this:  For everything that's happened, for all the pain and misery, for all the sad times, I'm in a good place.  Family, friends, pets, motorcycles, and writing have helped me to climb out of the hole I've been in for years, and I'm starting to feel happy again. 

To anyone out there suffering from depression:  It can get better. It really can. Get help if you can, but hold on because you must. It gets better. Life gets better. The world gets better. And mine is a little less dim now. 

Until next time...

SAJ