In a Good Place

I know that, from the last blog, it seems like I'm about a pug's whisker away from ending it all. But I'm not. Really, and from the bottom of my heart, I'm in a good place. For the first time since 2011, I'm in a good place. So that's the reason for this entry. A long time ago, I had to remind myself of how fortunate I was, and I've been doing it every day to make it through the working hours. And it isn't always easy. I mean, really, sometimes I have to take a step back and remind myself why I don't just wrap my car around a telephone pole. But a long time ago, I had an epiphany, and my life was forever changed.

Five years ago, I wasn't in a good place. I'll spare you the horrible details of what was going on at the time. Chances are, if you're reading this, you already know. Suffice to say, I'm still dealing with all the bullshit. But here's a list of all the things that have already gone right for me this year, and things that continue to go right for me. We'll start from the general to the more specific (and important), and I'll attempt to explain why each one is a good thing, in case it isn't obvious.

• I'm alive. That's (arguably) better than the alternative.
• I still have a job. I see so many people out there who don't, who can't make ends meet, who can't even get a foot in the door. I've got twenty years with the same university.  I realize that's around half of my life working for the same entity, but that same entity has allowed me to put a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on my table.  I have health insurance because of that university, and I can provide for my family because of it. 
• Actually, I have multiple jobs. I work for two universities (one as staff, the other as faculty).  I also am a martial arts instructor (5th dan black belt), and I'm a writer. 
• My daughters love me. Self explanatory.
• I have thirteen books published. Thirteen. How many people out there never get one published?  Lots. Let alone thirteen. 
• My fur-babies. Yeah, I know, but still.  I have a pug and three cats. I can't even express to you how much better they make me feel. 
• My friends. I used to only need the fingers of one hand to count the number of real friends I had, and I was fine with that. Now I need a few more hands, and I consider myself really fortunate that so many people out there love me. 
• My family. Not just my little nuclear family, but my extended family. There are people that I consider to be more than friends, people who became part of my family through marriage, etc. I count myself lucky to have all of them. 

There's one other thing that I have to list, but I didn't want to relegate it to a bullet point. I am the luckiest man alive on many points, but none so much as this: Katie. Two years ago, I walked into karate class and there was this girl there.  She wore a pink uniform (a thing unheard of for anyone but Judo Gene LaBell), had pink hair, pink sneakers, a pink gym bag, and a pink water bottle. I started calling her Pinkie Pie because I do irritating things like that. Then a curious thing happened. I fell for her.  Hard. I thought there was no way a girl her age (she's 18 years younger than me) would be interested in a guy my age, but she was such a wonderful person that I knew I still wanted her in my life. So I was content to be friends with her. 

Then another curious thing happened.

She told me she didn't want to be just friends. A year after our first date, I asked her to marry me, and she said yes. 

At our fairy-tale wedding.

So you see, my life isn't so bad. My life has gotten better, in fact. Depression be damned.  I fight it every day, and sometimes, all I have to do is look over and see her standing next to me to know that my life can and will get better.  Yeah, I know, I'm a sap, but I don't care. 

The bottom line is this:  For everything that's happened, for all the pain and misery, for all the sad times, I'm in a good place.  Family, friends, pets, motorcycles, and writing have helped me to climb out of the hole I've been in for years, and I'm starting to feel happy again. 

To anyone out there suffering from depression:  It can get better. It really can. Get help if you can, but hold on because you must. It gets better. Life gets better. The world gets better. And mine is a little less dim now. 

Until next time...

SAJ

Scott's Guide to Parenting

I do a lot of things.  Writer, martial artist, maniac... But there are very few things that actually define me. Those are things that are so ingrained on my system that to deny them would be to deny myself. Perhaps chief among those things is that I am, and always shall be, a father. It doesn't matter how important the meeting, how near the deadline, or how tight the budget, my kids come first. Period. Deal with it, or get out of my life. 

When I was younger, I didn't want kids.  Frankly, I was terrified of them. What could I possibly have to offer a child? I'm certainly not anyone's idea of a role model, and  as a grumpy selfish bastard, I figured children would have better things to do than hang out with a pile of misery like me. At least, that's what I told everyone. The truth wasn't far off the mark, but there was more to it. See, my biggest fear was that I would let them down. That they would hurt me in some way. That I would screw them up and make little monsters that were just like me. Also, children are noisy, smelly, and expensive. Don't roll your eyes at me. If you're a parent, you know it's true. If you say it's not, you're lying and you know it. 

I now have two kids, Anna and Zoe.

I wasn't ready to be a father when I met Anna. She was a year and a half old when her mother (Tabatha) and I started dating. But I fell so very much in love with her. That little smile, her bright eyes, her blonde hair... She melted my cold heart and I embraced being a father. And I made mistakes. Lots of 'em. And one of the biggest ones was being over-protective. Turns out, there's a fine line between protecting your kid and suffocating them, and it's amazing how easy it is to tap-dance across that line. 

Protecting vs. Smothering

See, we all are guilty of making the same asinine promise to our children. You know which one it is.  Sing it along with me. "I'll never let anything happen to you." You've said it, haven't you? You know you have. And the sentiment is a beautiful one. What we mean is "I will protect you. I'd take a bullet for you. I will save you from heartache and physical pain. I will shield you from all that is wrong with the world." Cue music, hand me my cape. And, for a while, you can keep that promise. For a while, we put ourselves between our children and their poor decisions, or things out of our control. We are a human car-seat, a loving cushion of flesh and bone to fend off the monsters of the world. 

We all wear tights.  Picture it. 

But what few of us realize is that, by fulfilling that promise, we do our children a disservice. Before you recoil in horror, hear me out. If you were anything like I was as a kid, I learned a lot of hard lessons. Oh, sure, my parents told me "don't do that dangerous thing" or "you should be doing this other thing that's better for you," but when I was a kid, I needed to do those things. After all, my parents were old, right? And times were different when they were kids, right? And besides, how badly could it hurt to put my finger into the empty lightbulb socket with electricity running through it?  

Hint... Don't do this...

Often times, as parents, we have to let our kids fall so they'll learn. We don't want to. We would rather take every fall for them. But what will they do when we're not around anymore? See, sometimes, all we can do is give the advice. It's up to them whether they take it or not. And it's hard. You see your kid making a mistake, and you want to grab them and say "what the hell is wrong with you?" But that doesn't help. It doesn't teach them anything. All it does is make them resentful, or more careful about doing things where you can see them.  See, if you eliminate the consequences of bad choices, those choices aren't bad anymore. There's nothing to teach them to not do it again. And then the fall becomes harder, and far more painful, when the kid is out from under your watchful eye. 

I'll give you an example. My youngest was (this past term) a sophomore in high school. Every day, I asked her the same questions:  Do you have homework? Any tests coming up? How was your day? How are your grades? The answers that came back were usually "nope, nope, fine, fine." It drove my wife insane. But I had a plan. See, colleges typically look at the last two years of high school (junior and senior years) and SAT/ACT scores. So the sophomore year is, essentially, the last year where a student can screw around and still not mess their life up. So the plan was this: Let her deal with it. Let her figure out how to study so it best helps her, and give her a bit of leash. It worked out about as well as you think it did. 

Pictured: Grades

Oh, she passed. Barely. But it opened her eyes to the fact that her approach wasn't working. And that break-through was what she needed to get her head straight and start looking at her grades more seriously.  Which brings me to the next point. 

Yes, we let them fall. But when they fall, we are always on hand to pick them back up. When they call, we dust off the cape and help them back to their feet. As Bruce Wayne's father said: Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up. 

I love my kids. I love them more than my own life, and I'd give anything for them. Some of the most rewarding moments of my life came from them, as well as some of the happiest, and tearful, moments. No one can bring me up or down like my daughters. And I'm not saying a completely hands-off approach is in order here. I'll still prevent them from doing anything life-threatening or catastrophic. I'd take a bullet for them, jump in front of a train, or even, yes, keep my mouth closed. Does that make me a good or bad father?  I don't know. Neither one of my kids came with a users' manual. But like every other parent, I'm just trying to muddle through. 

Until next time...

SAJ