Starting the New Chapter

If you follow me on social media, you know that big changes are a-coming. There are a lot of reasons behind these changes, and I'm still feeling like maybe I've lost what's left of my mind for doing it, but the die is cast and there's no stopping it now. For those that don't and are reading this blog for some other reason, here's what's going on:  I've applied for Grad School.

Holy shit! Grad School?!?! I graduated from college in 2002, from high school in 1989 (yes, I'm old), so what the hell would I want to go and do something like that for?  I mean, my student loans are paid off, I've got a full-time job with benefits, and I've been in the same position for (more or less) more than twenty years!  College is for the young! The course work will destroy me! Why would I incur more student debt? What the hell am I thinking?

Your expression right about now.

There are lots of reasons why I'm doing this. About a thousand piddly little reasons, and all of them branch off of a few bigger reasons. Believe me, I've thought about this for a long time, and I've had lots of sleepless nights and anxiety dreams over my decision. I've talked to my wife and my kid, talked to other people I respect, and decided to go ahead and give this a shot. Here's why.

1. My daughter is almost out of school. My oldest graduated in 2009 and my youngest is about to graduate (2018). She's about to go off to college herself, and it occurred to me that, once she's out of high school, she won't really need me anymore. I don't mean she won't need me-need me, but living four blocks away from her high school just doesn't matter anymore.  Wherever she goes to college, she'll be living in the dorms as a freshman, and she'll be spending a lot more time not in my house. That's fine with me because I want her to get out and find her way. Life is about following your passions, and I want her to find what hers are. Of course, she'll be coming home for holidays and such, but I no longer have to be as concerned with making dinner or doing laundry or making sure she does her homework. In fact, once she's in college, if she hasn't already developed good study habits, it's a little late for me to be policing her. So with all the extra time, I have choices.  I could either binge-watch every show on Netflix, or I can continue to write.  Spoiler alert:  I'm writing.  And if I'm writing, I may as well get college credit for it. 
2. Life is about following your passions. There are few philosophies that I espouse to pretty much everyone, mainly because I feel like most people don't want to hear me babble. But the biggest one is that life is worthless if you don't follow your passions. Hell, some people go through life without ever finding out what those passions are. I've got quite a few, but one of the biggest ones is writing. I'm constantly trying to improve my work in my never-ending quest for the NYT Bestseller List. And follow my passions I shall. 
3. I'm doing this for me. Without sounding too much like a self-righteous ass, I've spent the majority of my life in service of others. I've been a father for more than half my life, and every decision I've made since the day the first child called me Daddy was to try to build a better life for that child. Would I have liked to go backpacking through Europe?  Sure. But do I regret my decision to have children?  Absolutely not. My life has been gladly about what was best for others. When my first wife got sick, I cared for her. Even now, whenever shopping time comes around, it's really hard to get me to do things for myself because I would rather buy things for my family instead of myself. How many of us open our eyes every morning and think "the only reason I'm going to work is because I'm paying the mortgage for my family?"  At least me. I'm sure of it. 
4. If you stop learning, you get old. It's an old cliche, but you really are only as old as you think you are. Physicality aside (oh my aching joints...), your mind stays sharp through constantly learning. If you stop learning, you stagnate and you don't grow. You know what else stagnates? Ponds.  Ever smelled a stagnant pond?  It stinks to high heaven. Mosquitoes nest there. They're disgusting places.  Mosquitoes will not lay their eggs in my soul. My mind will not stink. Only the truly arrogant believe they can't continue to improve, no matter their level of success. I'm going to keep learning and keep pushing myself until the day I die.  That's just how I am. Anyone who knows me knows this to be true. I don't sit back on my laurels. 
5. I want a better job.  Look, I know.  I'm 45. I'm ten years away from retiring from Texas State University.  But that's ten years too long.  I've never been happier than when I walked into the classroom at Seton Hill University or Wayneburg University and was a teacher. I love to teach. I love to watch the imaginative spark flash behinds the eyes of students when I talk creative writing with them. So now I have this opportunity to give myself better credentials so I can become what I've wanted to be for more than twenty years:  A tenure-track professor. Do I need the degree to become a writer?  Obviously not... I've already had 13 books published and my agent has more manuscripts out for consideration. But an MFA (a terminal degree) will allow me to put my butt on the tenure track, and that's where I want to be. I've been a tech for a long time, and I've recently come to the conclusion that it's not for me anymore. Maybe it's because my department has demonstrated that it doesn't care about its employees. Maybe I'm sick of dealing with tech requests from people who don't understand it. Or maybe I'm evolving. Maybe I want to be treated like I know what I'm doing, and that's what I get when I'm a teacher. Seton Hill, Waynesburg, you two have been my home, and you both made me feel loved and appreciated. I've tasted the job I want. And now I'm going to work to get that job and keep it. 

So what's the plan? So far, as far as I've gotten is applied, filled out my FAFSA, and gotten all my application materials sent in (thanks for the rec letters to Dr. Albert Wendland, Dr. Nicole Peeler, and Nicole Hopeman!  Love you guys!). And where did I apply? EMERSON. You read that right. It's a very prestigious university, and one I'll be proud to have on my resume. If I'm accepted, I'll be working my butt off for two years, all the while biding my time at the day job, then I'll send my curriculum vitae (which is academic-speak for "resumé") to every university in the USA. 

Pictured:  Resumé storm.

Where would I like to be working as a professor?  Easy.  Ideally, I'd love to be working at dear old Seton Hill University. I'll also be applying at Pitt, colleges in Colorado, Virginia, and anywhere else I can throw it to. Why?  Because I can. And because it's what I want to do. 

So why am I posting this and why do you care?  Short answer: You might not care. But you might. See, here I am, at 45 years old, remarried, rebooting my education, and stretching myself to suit other ambitions. That's right. Ambitions. I have those. Still. And it's not too late for me. Hell there was a fellow at the last residency at which I taught who was retired and still pursuing his MFA. That man inspired me. It is never too late to learn, unless you decide it's too late. And when that happens, you're counting down to your grave. I will continue to learn and continue to push myself. I'm tired of being depressed and wondering "what if." I'm tired of watching other people live the life I want. I'm tired of being tired. So it's time to get off the sidelines, quit whining, and get back in the game. I'm taping up my fists, molding my mouthpiece, and I'm ready to fight. 

Until next time. 

SAJ